Pacing the fence

Man, I have delayed writing this post for a good week.  I want it to be more than it is, but I can not get there.  So it is what it is. 

I have been super emotional these last few weeks.  It comes in waves, rolling in and out sometimes leaving me gasping for air.
There are two specific things at work in that. 
1. My son is heading off to the Marines.  2. My son is heading off to the Marines. 

I *think* I am settling into the idea of the first one.  I mean, it is the Marines...there is a specific expectation there of what it will be like. 
  Frankly the training sounds a whole lot like being the mom of a baby and a toddler at the same time.
No seriously....
• someone is always screaming at you 
• you were so busy all day taking care of assorted demands that you barely ate
• you get woken at ridiculous hours to do all sorts of ridiculous things
• you are pushed to the edge of sanity from lack of sleep
• your body is extended to its limits with the pack of stuff needed to support the needs of the masses
See, just add in some push-ups, a hike or two, and a uniform....no biggie!!! 
If I can survive the mom years, he can survive bootcamp!!

Of course I know that is a gross over simplification of the very serious demands put on these young people, but the over all point is..... it is doable.  Hundreds of people have proven that since 1775!
They have a system and it works.  I finally gotten to the point where I genuinely believe it will be great for my kid. (In some ways, not all ways but that is another post)
Now don't get me wrong, it has taken quite some time, but I have had months to process it and get settled into it.  Oh yes, it is a far cry from the panic attack and rage of tears after leaving him at the recruiting station for the first time.  I don't want to be that person anymore.  I know it is the path he wants to take, and I want to fully support him in that, despite my feeeeeelings on the matter as his mom.

Now let's take a closer look at the second on the list. Unfortunately it begins to bleed over into the first by design of the USMC.
My son is heading off.  My firstborn son is leaving our home.  The child who made me a mommy, had to live through my mistakes, the one who made my heart literally quadruple in size the day he was born is setting off to fly.  Those are all amazing things for him, it means he has gotten to where we wanted him to be, and there is joy there.

However, it also means when I holler that supper is ready, only two sets of footfalls will now be heard rumbling down the stairs. When we gather for prayer time in the evening as we have for...well forever,  there will be no more of the oldest child starting it off.  On Sunday morning, I will now wake up two children instead of three.  Someone else will call shotgun when running to the van, someone else will eat the last cookie, someone else will be hassling the dog. And on and on and on with the things that make our crazy crew, just us.
 There is going to be a gaping hole in this house, in this HOME.

 We are a unit, a team, a FAMILY and 1/5 of it is about to be GONE.

 I KNOW that it is how it is supposed to go.  I know that it is the natural progression of life to see those babies leave the nest.  I know it, but it doesn't make it any less hard to figure out how to deal with.
And on top of it, in case you didn't know....there is no easing into the transition with phone calls and visits and care packages, no skype or email, not even a text.
No, it is more like severing a limb.

This is how it will go...to the best of my knowledge.
We tell him goodbye Sunday the 15th of November in downtown Houston where he is required to spend the night. Ya know with all the stuff he packed. 
At some point the next day, he will swear a final oath to the Marines, take a flight to San Diego and then a bus to arrive at bootcamp.
We will get ONE phone call.  He has to read (most likely shout along with the other fellas who are also calling home) something like this. 
“I have arrived safely at MCRD San Diego. Please do not send any food or bulky items. I will contact you in 3 to 5 days via postcard with my new mailing address. Thank you for your support. Goodbye for now.”
Then nothing.  For 13 weeks.
Unless he writes.  (Please, oh please oh please let him write)
Then it will be weeks and weeks of your child being put through a ton of things that you as a parent have tried to protect them from.  You know they won't get enough sleep or food.  You know they will have a constant strain on their confidence. You know they will be pushed beyond what they think their limits are.  You know day in and day out they will likely be in pain in some way or another.  And it is the path they are choosing.  And you know that you can't do a single thing about it.  AND you know that you aren't meant to do a single thing about it. 
The 'job' that started April of '97 has just given me two weeks notice. Sigh.

Lord willing he will graduate, have 10 days leave and then be off to Infantry training, then his specific job training. 

When you have a healthy, sweet, Godly family who love each other with this heading your way, I think you should have the expectation of some pretty strong emotions. 
 I don't want people to tell me it is going to be okay, because right now it is just stinkin' overwhelming. 

Did I mention he won't be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas??  Yeah :(

I almost forgot my picture. 
I choose this one of Riskey.  The end of last year, she miscarried her foal; she was a little over halfway through her pregnancy.  The baby had to be taken away, and she paced and paced this fence calling out, knowing something just wasn't right, but powerless to change it. 

 

What to pack

Remember back in the day, when it took 3 days to pack for a trip and a vehicle almost as big as a tank to haul it all??? Thankfully those days are long gone for my family!
Well I am not quite ready to delve into my next more serious post so I will leave for you here the "official" ;) Marine Corps Bootcamp packing list. 
Since we don't need glasses or have any prescriptions, our list is even shorter.

• The clothes on your back
• No more than $20.00 cash
• Identification
Optional:
• A religious item

I kinda can't get past the lack of TOOTHBRUSH on this list. 

I asked my son to talk to his recruiter about this particular glaring hygiene issue.  ASAP

Like with most things lately, he just gave me half a grin, shook his head and mumbled an incoherent response. 

I think I am gonna have to call that recruiter myself.  #helicoptermom

Please, y'all know I am joking about the calling right??? 
 
 Not about the packing list though!! 
Easiest packing ever!!

It all started with a cake!!

So there I was in the grocery store last Saturday afternoon.  I specifically remember that my list included eggs and bananas, but the rest of it is a blur. Of course knowing me, I got more than eggs and bananas, but that is simply how I roll.  But, because of the circumstances eggs and bananas are all that I remember. 
I am trying to get used to my mind being mush.
The cashier was just finishing up scanning my few items, as the gal behind me in line began loading her assortment of groceries onto the conveyor belt. I noticed her being extra careful as she lifted a cake box from her cart, and she did a nice pivot to keep it steady as she set it down.  We made eye contact and I smiled that mom to mom smile.  I suspected that it was a birthday cake, so I leaned over just the slightest bit to take a glimpse at the choice she had made, wanting to celebrate with her just the tiniest bit. 
It was a familiar color scheme of tan, greens, and browns with the place of honor taken big a big old tank. 
Of all things y'all, it had to be a tank.
 TANKS = MOS, MOS=JOB, JOB=MAN/BOY leaving for bootcamp.

My heart began to beat wildly as I stood there suddenly and immediately taken back to a birthday... making dark green icing.... using tootsie rolls for the tracks and gun turret, celebrating the love of a little boy for heavy machinery of the armored kind.   ( I wish I could find the pictures, it was a wonderful cake!)
 I began to try to speak coherently and it just all came out a jumbled mess of tears and apologies, and trying to tell her through that to hold on to these moments because they are so fleeting, while also trying to explain the rush of emotion because my little guy who used to love tanks, who still loves tanks, would be off all too soon. 
I felt as if at that very moment,  the whole lot of people at the store began to move in slow motion; all of them choosing to stare at me like I was an idiot for the tears that were beginning to fall. I somehow managed to gather my bags in a rush, and with my eyes now thoroughly blurred, I shuffled out to my van holding back the sobs.
That didn't last long.
I cried all the way home. Stupid cry. Ugly cry, and that was just the beginning.
All week, that stupid ugly cry found me.
Not in the things you might imagine, like giving my son his last haircut or talking to him about whether his siblings would be able to make it to graduation. 
NO, not stuff like that...it was random stuff.
How random you ask???
I specifically remember driving in my van, and the leaves were falling, as they are meant to do in the fall....and I lost it. Seriously, who cries because the leaves are falling, in the fall?? This gal.
A friend made me some cookies, that made me cry.
She included a note, I glanced at it briefly and I cannot bear to read it, because I know that it will make me cry and I am all about controlling my cry times (HA!) so I am saving it to read until I feel stable.  (Double HA!) 
The lady checking her baby in the stroller, cried. 
The song on the radio....ANY song on the radio, crying.
Posting a status to facebook, ugh, yes I cried.  Etc, etc, etc.......
Some things seem to make sense while others just make me feel like a loon.  I absolutely cannot get it together for any extended length of time. 
Every. Single. Day. This. Week. The ugly cry.

Then a gentle voice came from out of the darkness that whispered...."MY son leaves for bootcamp the same day as yours."
Ok, it wasn't dark and she didn't whisper, it was just a reply to a post I made in a facebook group.
But, suddenly I wasn't alone anymore.
That sounds dramatic, like I have no support group or anyone that loves me, or no one to pray for me and mine. 
None of that is true, I am beyond blessed in all of those things. My church family, my sisters here, friends with boys in the corps, my family afar all of them doing their best to make this transition easier. 
BUT, somehow knowing her walk and mine, day after day, will be the same road, has made all the difference in the world. Seriously a GIFT, that God knew that I needed.
Oh, I am still a mess but I know somewhere out there my new friend is just as much of a mess as I am.  HAhahaha, oh that sounds terrible.  But, goodness it is true.  
We are messy together.
We are believers in Christ praying messy prayers. 
Christian sisters depending on the Spirit to intercede with those words we cannot come up with as we pray for our boys.
Knowing that her heart is struggling and yet she is praying for me and mine...OH MY GOODNESS, it gives me some peace.


I reasoned out very clearly this week while loudly singing along to "Blesssed be the name of the Lord"  that I/we, are not lacking in faith, we are just Moms trying to figure out how to let go, with an extra dose of let go, military style.
  I am going to say more about that next time, as this has gotten long. It is important and needs a whole separate post.

For today, back to one of the goals of this here blog.  Encouragement and getting past the feeling crazy thing.
I want you reader to know about a few places to seek help on your military mom journey.  I am just finding a few of them myself, so I cannot fully vouch for them yet, but they look promising.  
THIS is a group on Facebook for people whose kids are still home waiting to leave (Poolee).  So many questions answered and support given.  It is within that group that you can find out the specific Company your child will be in.  This is important, because there are volunteers that keep you abreast on all that is going on leading up to graduation, and lots of tips on managing that. 
THIS is a non denominational site to give support and prayers to marine moms.  Their goal, "the place where Marine/Recruit Moms give and receive prayer, support, and encouragement to each other."
THIS is a ministry to Christians within the military; a program to connect military personnel, with the churches near where they are stationed. 

THIS is marineparents.com, wowza what a wealth of information.  

Once you find out which Recruit Depot your child will go to, there is even a facebook group for that.  Be forewarned though....lots of pictures of screaming drill instructors there!!  hee hee



Ok, I must get, so that means a horsey photo.
This is my friend, Riskey.  I caught her in the middle of a yawn, but it looks like she is nothing but weird in comparison to those other gals just going about their day. 

 I want to say, you be where you are with your emotions.  Cry, even the stupid ugly cry...but don't stop there.  Seek out some help, say some prayers and press on.  We've got this!! 

I must write....

For as long as I can remember, this firstborn son of mine has loved all things military.  

In 23 days he will leave for the Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego, California for Bootcamp; and I am a hot mess!! 

I am also excited and proud, scared but faithful, strong and weak, but most of all weepy. 
I feel weary and somehow awkward from the constant high emotion, but I also feel strong.
No, that isn't right at all.
I don't feel strong.
I feel strength in my faith...my trust, my desire to be humble to God's will. 
Yup that is the strong I feel. 

But most of all I feel weepy. 

I will tell ya more about that next time, and you can laugh at me, with me. 

I hope this will be a place of truth. A place for me to be honest about this road that I will have to walk.  A place to be transparent about my faith.
  I hope it will be an encouragement to someone somewhere.  But, if nothing else I can at least get some of this crazy off of my chest!! 

I have suddenly just decided that I will finish off each post with an applicable horse image.
  Mainly because they make me happy, and because I have hundreds of them. 
For today, one day old baby Felicity.
Like me, she is awkward and struggling to get it all figured out....but she got there, and so will I.