So I left off in my last post at the summons to round the corner since our kids would be swearing in soon. We got to slip past the "Do not pass this point" sign, and lingered with other nervous family members waiting for specific instructions. We were told once again that photographs were allowed in this room and this room only of this building.
(Ugh, talk about a struggle for this Momtographer!!) We were given instructions with his strong clear voice on what was expected of us. It was obvious that he had spoken these words to the masses many times, but he still gave them with care and precision.
The door was then opened and we were allowed into the room where our children were already standing, lined in rows facing a narrow stage with a podium. Each flag of all the military branches were lined up evenly across that stage, and it was silent and still. It was a small room, filled already halfway with our kids standing at the ready, facing firmly forward and unable to make eye contact as we filed in. I was afraid to breathe too deeply and disturb the austere feeling that had been created in the room.
Another man dressed in (what my husband tells me was) a Navy officer uniform, entered the room and closed the door. I loved his voice, it was deep and kind in this strange place. We were told very specifically that we could move about in the rear of the room, but when they raised their hand for the oath we were to remain stationary. Deep breath in and out, I could already feeling the emotions becoming too much for me as I tried to jockey for position behind other family members to get a decent photo of of the back of my son.
I had my big camera at the ready as well as my cell phone and tried to snap quietly...but let's face it, it was just a photo of their backs. You get what you get, and I was thankful my guy was in the back and tall! Then the kind voiced Navy man told us that this group swearing in was large, and had been divided in half, therefore there was room on the stage for one and only one member of each family to come forward and stand on the narrow stage to be able to see these kids from the front as they took their oath.
I did not want to go. I just could not do it. I was already a mess because of an empty chair, and after days of trying to contain my tears the stress of it was welling up to unbearable levels. I knew that it would be too much for me and I panicked because I also knew that my husband takes the worst cell phone pictures in the history of ever, and my big camera settings are too complicated for almost anyone to decipher. (back button focus the worst culprit of them all) I could let me husband go and risk having no images what so ever, or I could go and risk loosing it in front of the whole room. All of this racing through my head as my husband has his tender hand in the center of my back urging me forward. I looked at him and may or may not have eked out the words "I can't" with tears already forming but he still pressed me and got my legs moving ahead.
I don't even remember taking the few steps that it took to get to the stage, but I kept my head down and got there somehow and settled between the red headed fiance, and a lady and her young daughter; who they kindly made and exception on the one family member rule for. I tried to make myself small and raised my head and my phone to snap a photo.
I knew, of course I knew exactly where he was standing and it took one subtle movement of my head to get to where I could look at him. At that precise second in time he was looking at me, maybe it was intended, perhaps it was just habit.... seeking out what was familiar, but our eyes met.
And y'all, it took my breath away. It was love and pain, pride and disbelief. It occurs to me, just now typing this, that it was exactly how I felt the very first time I laid eyes on him. They had placed his tiny body on my chest for the first time after hours of labor and there before me was the evidence of goodness, worth my long struggle and so much pain.
Once again I was totally and completely smitten with the blonde headed boy who first made me a mom, who caused my heart to quadruple in size, whose future once again was all before him....and it was uncertain but full of possibility.
How could this child, my child be standing there looking like a man, about to swear his allegiance to this country that we love.
I inhaled all of those emotions and feelings and quickly looked right back down at the blue carpet beneath my feet, because I knew the exhale was not gonna be pretty. And it wasn't.
Try as I might, I was overwhelmed and the sobs began. The kind where you attempt to keep them contained and end up making those weird internal sounds, that could only be restrained sobs. I was mortified that this moment of all of those in my whole existence was the time that I could not hold it together. I did not want to be standing there at all, I wanted to take my shaking, crying self and get out of there, and the panic hit again.
But, I wanted even more to be able to stand there proudly and watch that son of mine make this crazy important commitment. More deep breaths and staring at the carpet. I could not look directly at him, so I tried to switch my focus to the words the man was speaking and through the tears, put myself to work to get a decent photo of it all.
The speech the Navy man gave was about the seriousness of the commitment, about stating the words of the oath firmly without mumbling, about the pride of serving our nation. In between all of that, he took time to give these kids of ours a firm and serious order. He said "Your family will want to take photos now and when we are done. You WILL stand for those photos and you WILL smile for those photos, because your family needs that. They will need those photos to get them through these long weeks ahead. That is an order, do you understand??" In unison the answered "Yes Sir".
That man...oh that man, I thank him for that...but oh it had me crying again knowing that my son is one that would have a time putting that order into action.
I unashamedly wiped my nose on my sleeve, and got back to the business of being busy. He called them to attention and the oath began. I quickly clicked the record button on my phone and tried to take in every word.
Here is what they said.
"I, _____, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."
They were then ushered out of the room to sign final paperwork, and we were ushered into the hall to wait for them. One by one they came out, finding the familiar faces to connect with. We quickly swept our son in another awkward embrace, telling him of our pride in his choice. So much of the dread that seemed to hang over the group seems to have disappeared once this task was complete. I was thankful for a relief of that as we sat waiting for what would be next.
We spent another hour, making small talk trying to fill the time before my husband and I would leave. I handed my son a few mints and the last couple of sticks of gum that I had, hoping the compression of the plane would not bother him to badly. Hoping when his stomach was empty again that those mints would bring a bit of relief. Hoping that he would remember how much we loved him and how strongly we believed in him and his choices. Hoping I could make it through the final goodbye and out of the building without the ugly cry again.
The time came for him to go. He grabbed his bag from the check in area, and we stood close together at the end of that hallway which had cleared dramatically in the previous few minutes.
What was there to say that hadn't already been said?
We tried though, and repeated the same words of love and advice spoken so often in the past few days.
He assured me that he would write soon, when he had time.
His daddy then pulled us in close and said "I am going to pray, then we are going to go." I am sure this was as much for him as it was for me.
I don't remember the words, but I know the heart of my husband and his trust in our Lord, so most likely it was just perfect.
I snuck in one last squeeze to this non hugger boy of mine, grasped the hand of my love as we walked away and did not turn back. I made it about 10 minutes down the highway before fully giving way to the tears, that could no longer be contained.
This post, it is sorely lacking in expressing the breadth and width and height of emotion of that day but it is the best I could do in the small amount of time I have given myself to accomplish it. At least the basic out line is here for me to return to it, should I ever get the desire.
I cannot bear to read over it again for mistakes needing to be fixed, so it is what it is.
As for our horse picture of the post...here ya go! Surely I don't need to explain.
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